Stolen live
by pamy
Summary: Birthday parties, childhood dreams. College parties and girls. This is the live I could have had, if it wasn't for you. This is the live you stole from me. Beaver POV. Oneshot.


_**This oneshot was based on a prompt on the livejournal community ****vmfic_gameon** . It's for round #7, "the free for all" challenge. Based on a promt by cheapen. Beaver's POV. "This is what my life could have been if it wasn't for you.' _

**_disclaimer: don't own veronica mars. _**

* * *

Birthday parties. Childhood dreams. College parties and girls.

_That's the life you stole away from me. When you moved towards me. When you did things to me that should have never been done. When you destroyed my innocence. My life. In that moment you stole my life away from me. You took everything that was mine, and then you just forgot I existed. You stole my life away from me. And you never even cared. Not once._

****

_The life he could have had. If he had never met Woody. _He's thought about it many times.

He could have won his first game when he was ten. Making his father proud of him. His mom would have held a party for him inviting all of his friends. _They would probably mostly be Dick's friends, but that was okay, because Dick and him were always more than brothers. They were friends. _Dick would be his big brother – _just like he was now – _teasing him mercilessly, but nevertheless he loved him. And would have protected him from anything. _Beaver knows somewhere deep down that Dick would have protected him from Woody to, if Beaver had ever told. But ha didn't. _

He would have been normal growing up. Playing games. Playing pranks along side his brother. Being a victim of many of his brothers pranks. But he would have been normal. _Not scarred. He wouldn't be broken. He wouldn't be lost. _He'd have friends, many friends. Some of them would be his brothers friends _– like Logan, Logan had always been a good friend – _some of them would be his own. He'd be fine. Just like any other kid. Growing up. Hating school. Passing grades. Laughing. Joking. Being normal. Being alive. _Not dead inside. _

He would have dreams. Normal dreams. Just like every other child. He'd be happy. He thinks he would have liked to be a doctor. That seems like something he would want to do. _Somewhere he thinks that if he could have been stronger he would have been happy, he would have had dreams. _He would live his live normally. He'd have crushes on girls, but he would probably be to shy to ask any of them out. His brother would tease him relentlessly about it. _Just like he did in this timing. _But that would be okay, because that same brother would help him get a girl. Eventually.

He would have fallen in love. He would have found a really nice and smart girlfriend. _He thinks he would have liked to meet Mac anyway. He loves her, he really does, but he was to broken to be able to handle it. But he thinks if he had met her in another life, he would have loved her just the same. _She would have been his. They would have been happy, really happy. He wouldn't be afraid, or scarred. Everything would be fine. Everything would have been fine.

His first time would have been great. It would have been with a girl he loved. _His was forced and wrong in every way. Till this day he does not know why he did that to Veronica. At that moment he knew it was wrong and yet he could not care. For once he just wanted not to think, not to feel. He didn't want to hurt anymore. So he took it out on her. He knew it was wrong, but he didn't care. Should have cared, but didn't. _It would have been the best night of his life. Even if they didn't make it eventually, it wouldn't matter, because he would have that night.

He would have graduated. His father would have been in the crowd. Maybe he wouldn't care so much about him, but he would come that day. To cheer at him as he got his diploma. _He wouldn't be on the run, he wouldn't be gone. _His mother would be there as well. Far away from his father, but still there cheering him on. His brother would be there, probably screaming some crazy kind of comment, but that was okay because he was Dick.

He would end up at the same college as Dick. _This was decided a long time ago, in this time and any other. _Somehow it would be that way. He couldn't image being away from his brother. He'd get into a fraternity. Not so much because he himself liked partying, but more for Dick. It wouldn't matter though, they'd be like they were in high school. Inseparable. Brothers. They'd have each others backs trough it all, yet Beaver acknowledge the fact that Dick would never stop making fun of him. But that was okay, because it would mean that he was alive. _And loved. _

_The life he could have had. The life he never had. The life he will never have. _

****

Mistakes were made. By him and by those around him. What had been done to him by Woody was wrong, twisted and sick. But it is no excuse, and he knows it. What he has done is in so many ways the same. Yet different as well. _Past out girls in white dresses. Lies and secrets. Bus crashes. Screams of his victims. Veronica on the roof. Logan. Dick. Mac. Keith Mars. _He changed. Somewhere along the road his path changed. _Even now he is not sure when that was. If it was when he was a child and Woody did those things to him. Or maybe it was later, as his secret lied heavy on his hearth. Breaking him, destroying him. Killing him eventually. _He was once the victim, he probably still is. But somewhere he changed into something else. _He turned other people into his victims. That's where he went wrong. _

But it's all over now. What he could have had, what he should have had, will never be. His life is over. Gone. There is not going back. _He doesn't make the conscious decision to die. _Logan tells him not to do it. After all this time, after all he has done, Logan still doesn't want him to die. He wants to save him again tonight. But Beaver knows he can not be saved. He has been dead for many years now. _Dead and yet still alive. Gone and yet still there. Broken but nobody saw. Nobody saw until it was to late. _He never made the conscious decision to die. But he simply lets himself fall of the roof.

_After all you can't kill a dead person. _

****

The fall lasts only a few seconds. Yet it stretches out for eternity.

Sometimes he wishes he had confronted Woody. Shown him what he did to him. Told him what he took. What he destroyed. The only thing he doesn't regret is blowing up that plane. He regrets the fact that Keith was on it. Mr. Mars had never done anything to him, he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Still he had blown up the plane. Yet he wishes he had had the courage to face Woody. To tell him the things he had always wanted to say. To look him in the eye and simply say what's on his mind. Tell him of the things he didn't have.

'_This is what my life could have been if it wasn't for you.' _

He wishes he could confront Woody. Tell him what he did.

But they're both dead – _or at least he'll be in a couple of seconds – _so he can't. Not anymore. He doesn't believe in heave. And even if there is a heaven, he knows neither one of them belongs there. They will burn in hell together. Maybe he'll be able to confront him then.

Then it's over. He hits the ground. His suffering is done.

_****_

Birthday parties. Child hood dreams. Graduation. College parties. Girls.

_This is what my life could have been, if it weren't for you. This is the life you stole from me. _


End file.
